Living in the ordinary

I DON"T CARE!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-02-02T16:06:00.000-08:00

politics, smolitics. i am sitting in my sister's house and the topic of politics and sex are in the surrounding conversation. it's funny how everyone is a philisopher; everyone has an opinion. i don't say that as if that is a bad thing. it's not necessarily a good thing either. it is what it is. the thing is, me included, people share what their opinion is despite the possibility that no one cares. as the conversation continues i fight the urge to include myself. i want to practice some selfcontrol; prove to myself that i don't have to share what i thought. honestly, it feels good to actually listen for once. it has been awhile since i have just listened, without an alterior motive. i am not trying to impress anyone, i am quiet because i am not in the mood to talk. all who know me know this will not be a regular occurance, as i love for people to know exactly what i think, but this is an opportunity to remember the beauty of silence, of being still. why have we not recognized the brilliance of silence. i talk and talk and talk until my words become so embedded in my brain that i can not sleep at night. a little quiet could do me some good. maybe at least i'll get some sleep.

The good, the bad and the bittersweet of it all...

2006-11-28T22:57:00.000-08:00

I am not sure that if someone would have told me how much life changes when you become engaged to THE ONE( I stress the one because you can be engaged, it matters who you are engaged to) that I would have belived them. Sorry, mom, you told me so. You realize what love is when you start to evalute things in your life and decide that if it hurts the one you love than things have to change. See, I am a naturally selfish person, I want what I want when I want it ( my sister is going to read this and she is probably going to second the motion) but it's funny how I don't want to be selfish anymore. I want to love Stephen as myself because, according to all that I have interpreted from Genesis, we are one. I am him and he is me, not literally obviously, unless Stephen is a figment of my imagination and everyone else has been too nice to tell me any different, but I digress. What I am saying is that marriage, and read very closely while you soak this in if you are single, readers, is bittersweet. There is so much I can not wait for; I can't wait to marry Stephen and spend my life learning to love him more and more everyday. As romantic as that sounds though, and as excited as I am it is a huge compromise. You miss friends you thought you would never lose touch with, best friends become your afterthought and it becomes harder to gain a larger sense of community. I will get so many more pros than cons when I marry Stephen but it is wise to face it all, the good, the bad and the ugly. Take this for what it is worth. This is just one huge extraordinary occurance in the grand scale of ordinary.

ProcrASStination

2006-11-24T18:50:00.000-08:00

Guess I am not the only person to come up with such a witty blog title, but I had to to emphasize the ASS in procrasstination because that is what I feel like today. It is Friday, Nov 24th and I have so much homework due by this next week that I am amazed that I am actually sitting here complaning about all the work I have to do.

I am really looking forward to going to see my family in December. I am going to Conneticut with Stephen and my niece to visit my mom and dad. It has been way too long since I have seen them. I am listening to a song by CeCe Winans called "Alabaster Box." It is a beautiful represenatation of Mary coming to Jesus and washing his feet with her hair with expensive oils.

One thing that I think about often is the freedom Mary must have felt when she came before Christ and demonstrated such an amazing act of gratitude. Finally, someone set her free from all the guilt and shame she had been living with. I am a creature of habit, as I am sure many of us are and so often am condemed by my feelings of guilt and shame.

What would I have to offer Christ to end this feeling of unimportance? What could I give? My life. Man, what does that require though. I'll know and then tuck it so far back that it will not surface until I can barely breath in or out.

I bet Mary's chest so effortlessly lifted up and down as she poured the oil on Christ's feet and began wiping them with her hair. Taking off all the access and looking up at the man that showed her greater love than any one night stand could; knowing that life could never be the same. She had recieved it all. She needed nothing more because Christ gave it all to her with the very act of forgiving her sins. I am pretty sure this would have been Mary's song had she been given the opportunity to record her voice for all the masses to enjoy:

Turnin' molehills into mountains,Makin' big deals out of small ones,Bearing gifts as if they're burdens,This is how it's been.Fear of coming out of my shell,Too many things I can't do too well,afraid I'll try real hard, and I'll fail--This is how it's been.Till the day You pounded on my heart's door,And You shouted joyfully,"You're not a slave anymore!" "You're free to dance-Forget about your two left feet And you're free to sing-even joyful noise is music to Me You're free to love,'Cause I've given you My love ,and it's made you free. My mind finds hard to believeThat You became humanity and changed the course of history,Because You loved me so.And my heart cannot understandWhy You'd accept me as I am,But You say You've always had a plan,And that's all I need to know.So when I am consumed by what the world will say,it's Then You're singing to me, as You remove my chains. Free from worry, free from envy and denialFree to live, free to give, free to smile

On a completely differnet note (lalal). Here is a picture of Stephen and I at Ashleigh's wedding.

Long Break

2006-11-21T14:39:00.000-08:00

So, I decided to change up my blog a bit. It seemed so dark and depressing. I know circumstances can't be what causes good and bad days but things are not as low as they have been. I figured I needed to have a blog, an outlet, that represented the fact that things are chancing in my life and in myself.

Yeah, marriage is a new chapter in my life, or at least it will be in March, but my whole attitude towards God and life are changing. I am not even sure I can put into words all that God has done in my life. I have recently begun taking classes so that I can earn my M.S. in Counseling. I am more convinced then ever before that I will never have my own practice but rather this will be a way to advance me to the next step I wish to take in my future. This next step would be to work with Middle/ Highschoolers in a Christian school setting, teaching religion/Bible classes.

I am well aware that this is not a dream job for most but to me this would be the most satisfying job I could ever do in my life, well except record my own music and perform it in front of small venues. I love working with this age group because there is so much potential and so much molding and shaping that needs to happen. I remember when I was in seventh grade I really began to grow into myself. I started loving music, being serious about my relationship with Christ and enjoying people investing me; I actually started to appreciate positive role models in my life.

I hope that it does not take me as long as it did to write another blog but you know how life can be busy. Thank you for all who have been supportive of my engagement. I am learning how valuable it is to have positive people in your life. I want to say HAPPY THANKSGIVING to all. Please let me know all the things you guys are really thankful for this year and don't forget to tell people, everyday, how thankful you are for them.

Peace

Some may say I am crazy...

2006-09-03T21:52:00.000-07:00

Well, it certainly has been too long. A lot has happened that I will never be able to write about. A lot of ordinary things that have lead up to extrodinary happenings. I am getting married. It seems almost too good to be true. Even sitting here typing those words out is sobering. It makes it more real.

His name is Stephen and he is wonderful, better than I would have ever known or ever dreamed. The most amazing this is, though is that my eyes have truly been open to what I believe being in love actually means. When I met Stephen he had so many characteristic I always thought would turn me off but I am completely in love with them. Yes, they annoy the crap out of me at times, but I would rather live every day with those little annoyances than one day without Stephen.

It sounds funny but in some ways that reminds me of the glory of God. Better is one day in God's presence than thousands elsewhere. I could see how I would be the only one to get the reference. haha

The biggest reason for this post was to let all those that I don't talk to on a regular basis in on my life. The wedding is set for March 3, 2007. I am uber psyched.

"Sing, Sing a Song, Sing Out Loud Sing Out Strong."

2006-06-05T20:12:00.000-07:00

Today was the first day of camps here at the good ol' C-N. We host camps such as: Centrifuge, Crosspoint, Appalachian Outreach, ect... I went to the Centrifuge worship tonight and I really enjoyed myself. It was the typical rockstar theme, driven service but the songs were wonderful and familar as was the nagging feeling that God is wanting to use still.

WOW!!! Can I be candid with you readers for a second? I planned to write this really heartfelt entry so I got comfortable. I unbuttoned the pants, turned on the tunes, and took off my shoes. Taking off my shoes was a huge mistake....let me tell you. THEY SMELL HORRIBLE!!!! You may be saying, " so wash them," or maybe you are saying," who gives a crap." I would understand both of these reactions but I digress. The point of my entry was to describe the overwhelming feeling that I had tonight to actually use my talents for Christ.

I was in a band in college called Seed Company. To many it was a low-budget band but to me it was a chance to be who God designed me to be. I wrote music, lyrics actually, and I was empowered and sure of myself, more so then than I have been in awhile. I can't decribe the way I feel when I am singing and I wouldn't want to because those moments I am singing, and glorifying God with the talent he has given me, I feel like no one can touch me. Those moments are mine.

I miss it so much it sometimes hurts to think about. To hear my voice resonating in an auditorioum, in front of a crowd consisting of few or many, is like no other feeling I have ever realy experienced. I find that those moments are enhanced when I have connected with God and I have not one selfish intention in my heart; when I have truly surrened and asked God to search my heart.

Simple as that...

2006-05-17T17:59:00.000-07:00

I remember reading a verse in John that spoke about simplicity. I was eating dinner tonight and an episode of Everybody Loves Ramond was on. I decided to watch and I belive that I got a mental picture of what the author of John was talking about. The episode took place in Italy and Ramond, the main character, is not having fun on their trip to Italy. He is not spending time with his kids and has caught a cold. He is wrapped up with the worries of the day. He decides to go for a walk, with his mother, and as he and his mother are walking through Italy, Ramond begins to notice all that surrounds him. He notices the color of the water, the feeling of the air. His senses begin to be bombarded by the beauty of Italy. As his mother stops to pick up some meat at the village deli, Ramond notices two children playing soccer through the streets. The two boys kick the ball to Ramond and he plays soccer with them for an instant. After the boys run off, continuing their game elsewhere, Ramond notices a pizza shop and orders a piece of pizza. He bites into the Italian pizza and is amazed by the taste. He asks the man who made the pizza and the man, in broken English, answers that he made the pizza himself. Ramond, in awe of the taste of the pizza, calls the man a genius. I believe that Ramond, at that moment, lets the simplicity that surrounds him take hold of his senses, his attitude, his being. As Ramond's mom exists the deli she begins to go on talking of what she was talking about before. This time Ramond listens closely to what she is saying and responds with care and love.

As I watched them walk down the street, signaling the end of the show, I began to cry. Yes, it was a beautiful episode but I was crying because I knew that life can really be that simple; as simple as taking a bite of pizza and soaking in all that is good and peaceful despite the choas that corners us and beats us down with the horrors of this age. We have Christ. He came so that we could breathe in the new life He died to give us. He literally died so that we could have new life, "abundant life." A life so rich and full of flavor that once we take a bite " and see that the Lord is good," contentment and peace wash over us. Father, I want to take advantage of the proverbial manna that you bless us with everyday. I don't want to take my life so seriously but I know that means that I have to be willing to sacrafice those things that deaden my taste buds and that is where the battle begins. There are things and choices that I do not want to give up. I do not want to wake up on Sundays and go to church or take time out of my busy schedule, of channel surfing, to spend time with you. But, I really, deep down, so far down that I barely know it's there sometimes, do because I love you and want all the blessings you have to offer me.

i feel like i lost my best friend...

2006-05-04T20:09:00.000-07:00

so, i joined jenny craig yesterday. i am excited about it, sure, but i am also realizing what a strong hold food was for me. food has always been my cradle and i am not exactly sure why. maybe it is cause it doesn't judge. i don't answer to food. it never yells back and, on the surface, i can control food. but it has taken control of me. i found myself being so lonely today and even more so now that i can't just go to taco bell and get something i want to eat, something that for an instant, makes me happy, brings me joy, gives me something to do.

i have noticed today just how much i do that incorporates food. going out means "getting something to eat." why? i desperatly need going out to mean, " let's go for a walk or let's watch a movie without the popcorn." i can't seperate activity from food anymore. it has become such a huge part of our society. so, i sit in my apt. feeling isolated from the world simply because i have a specific eating plan that, for a limited amout of time, means i will not be going out to eat with the rest of the residence life staff, it means not eating in the cafe, ect... i think i feel so defeated because i know that i am making a wise choice in changing my idea of food but i have no one here that will keep me accountable. no one that will say, " let's take food out of the equation."

i am an addict...and i am just as in need of God's redeeming power as any crack addict. just like them i wait for my next fix to make life a little easier to deal with. i have limited myself so much by narrowing down life to when my next meal was coming and where i was going to get it from. i have been a prisoner of my emotions and my need to be entertained. i have so much life inside me waiting to be explored.

Sometimes in a million years

2006-05-02T22:49:00.000-07:00

I never thought I would have been that girl. Who is that girl you may be asking. Well, the kind of girl that continued to gain weight, never realizing it until she took a picture and discovered she didn't recognize herself. I started to notice things were out of hand when I cringed at the thought of looking at myself in a bathing suit but then formal came and so did the picture taking and the picture developing. WOW! I couldn't believe my eyes. Was I really that big? How did I not notice before? What mindset was I in to not have noticed that my ass was getting bigger? All this is to say that I am joining Jenny Craig. Moral to the story; never say never.

Today

2006-03-21T13:07:00.000-08:00

Today has not been such a horrible day but I think it has been the most eventful day I've had since I got this job at Carson Newman. I have been trying to get stuff done for two Grad. Schools I am applying for and to top it all off I have some girls that are not too happy with me. I don't think people, like me, who have issues with people disliking them should get a job in leadership. I really struggling with wanting to please everyone and that is impossible to do, I am learning.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching and I am finding out that it is really hard for me me to sit and meditate on the things of God. I have been out of practice of searching after God that it makes it harder to "trust and obey." I am sick to death of myself. I have come to terms with my selfish and hardened heart and it makes me want to vomit. I love you, Abba, Father. I am tired of being so cold and unmoved. I want what you have for me. I don't care what that means anymore.

Make me honest and loveable, rather have the things you have already made me, flow out of mouth and lifestyle.

color in my cheeks...

2006-02-26T19:30:00.000-08:00

throwing the frisbee...
running after a badly thrown football...
wind in my hair, not a care
did i have.

feeling alive...
air in my lungs...
spending time, no expectations
to live up to.

this is what it is to be free, to know grace, to feel loved.
i had life in my bones and i laughed and i was happy.
truly happy.

they say "it is the little things,"
i say that is friendship.
you call it a weekend
i call it my salvation.

a theory to live by...

2006-02-10T23:49:00.000-08:00

i have this theory that even when you are feeling at your worst and life seems to be falling apart saying "poo poo pee pee"will instantly bring a smile to your face. it is important to occassionally allow yourself to find immature, childish phrases funny; to let them infultrate your attitude. how many kids do you know that have not spent numerous mins laughing at the very words of " poo poo or pee pee?" it really could just be me though. i am more than willing to admitt that but at least i'll be the one laughing.

Update

2006-02-07T20:39:00.000-08:00

howdy folks,
i'll be right back after i turn on my inspirational tunes....ok, back. so, what is new? i think it is weird that i actually ask questions has if someone would audiably answer me back. things have been great lately. i hate how conditional i can be though. i guess that is like all of us though.
i have a dr. appt. tomorrow and i have a strong feeling that i am going to be put on a strict diet. it sounds weird, i am sure, but i am emotionally attached to food. i went to perkins tonight and ate nothing but food that i knew would make me feel horrible about myself later on. why do i do stuff i know i will regret no more than an hour after i do it?
i don't want to be chubby all my life. i want to feel attractive and have confidence in myself. i was telling my cousin the other day that i have a very unhealthy understanding of what beauty truly is.somewhere in my brain there has grown an impression that although i am overweight i am not pretty and have nothing to offer a man.
in general i think my self-esteem could be better. i know everyone has off days. days where they do not feel at their best but mine come to often for it to be normal. i don't think i am pretty and my worth is decided by people. i thrive after compliments and since they do not hold a lasting effect i long for more. i imagine that it is equivalent to drug addicts' longing for a drug to fill them.
it was not my intention to write about that but that is ok. i needed to write about it. i hope that i can let go of food one of these days and focus on my relationship with Christ to lift me up and complete me instead of low -budget fast food value meal that i more, often than not, end up not enjoying as much as i thought i would.

Somewhere, Long Ago

2006-01-22T20:09:00.000-08:00

somewhere, long ago, someone told me i wasn't good enough

yet i was different from the rest.

somewhere, long ago, i joined the self-depreciation bandwagon

and it seemed to stick.

somewhere, long ago, i believed if i wasn't like they wanted me to me

i was nobody.

everyone wants to be so differnet and unique that they have sold out

on lack of creativity.

i went to college with the best of the posers

they believed that knowing more words than everyone else somehow made them superior.

i think they just didn't want to admitt that they were searching too.

searching for a reason.

so they hid behind philosophy and mocked those who clung to God

they said it made you weak.

they drank their blackened coffee and spoke of politics and injustices.

looking beyond their prejudices, they unjustly

mistook lack of experience as shallow.

raging their wars against the superficial they lost so many casualties.

all they wanted were people to mold anyhow.

Heaven

2006-01-19T12:00:00.000-08:00

i need you to be my friend

cause i am drowing in the see of uncreativity

and i am lost in the forest of inadequecy.

speak a word to me

to let me know you care

to let me know you share in this age of reality

that feels just like a lucid dream.

cause things are getting so real

that it doesn' seem they're real at all

like i might fall and never ever land.

do you understand what i am saying

how i am forgetting

how it feels to have a dream worth dreaming

like when i was a child

waking up to a new barbie doll

i had it all and i was wiser than i got credit for.

no, it's not depression that is speaking

i am not unhappy at all

i am saddened by this loss of innocence

the loss of maybe's and what could have beens.

why are there no books that get you ready for these days.

i have all the answers now no energy to live them out.

heaven's looking good, not cause i'm suicidal

but because i long for days to

look at my savior's face

knowing love will never end

and i won't have to just pretend

that everything is fine and grand

it just will be.

Beauty

2006-01-16T21:05:00.000-08:00

I was looking at pictures of Cillian Murphy because I think he is probably one of the best actors in Hollywood and I think he is quite attractive. Have you ever noticed how there are just universally attractive people out there? The type of person of which those who hold to the" beauty is in the eyes of the beholder" theory can not deny the beauty those specific individuals possess.

I wonder how that can happen. Is it a curse to be so beautiful? Would I want that curse? What makes a person beautiful anyways? I have felt beautiful before and then there are those that I feel like a hedious monster around. I mean I guess beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. I just think it is sad that we put so much emphasis on it. I am just as guilty though so I am going to finish looking at Cillian Murphy while I glory in my superficiality.

Funny how that happens...

2006-01-09T20:57:00.000-08:00

i think i am in a meloncholoy mood this evening. i am listening to patty griffen. i joined eharmony and no matches yet. i know, most people are thinking that it is time to suck it up, face singlehood and deal with it, maybe even try to enjoy it. but i do have a longing that seems to stay constantly in the middle of my stomach; kind of like sorrow, disappointment. i can't say that i haven't thought about dealing with being single. i know that it can't really be all that bad and sometimes i am afraid that it is just the romantic in me that can't let this longing go. maybe if i let it go then i would find that i don't want a relationship. maybe.

what's new?

2006-01-06T17:10:00.000-08:00

well, hello all. hope your holidays were all you hoped for and more if not there is always everyday to make life what it can be. this new year already holds new and challenging opportunities for me and even if you don't want to know i am going to tell you anyways what they are.

zach is getting married the day before his birthday. that was a shock when i first read his blog and learned about it, which oddly enough was theraputic for me. it has been hard for my friend ashleigh to know just how to act about the whole thing considering her fiance is zach's best friend. akward? i would agree. so, i am glad that she didn't have to be the one to break the news. i didn't feel like anyone pitied me or was trying to spare my feelings either.

it is going to be quite vulnerable of me to admitt this but i have been reading zach's fiances blog and i know i should hate her but she seems quite endearing. i don't want to be her best friend or anything but i have been recognizing her strong desire to glorify God and that makes her closer than a best friend, it makes her my sister. for her sake i truly hope all this works out for her and that zach is good to her. and from all i read he really is.

i am still working on the forgiveness factor of my life. not just with zach but that situation really opened my eyes up to a huge character flaw i have been denying for, well, my whole life. it is different to hate tense situations than it is to easily forgive. my anger at zach errupted this semester and made me honest about my tendency to hold grudges when all they end up doing is holding me.

i still want zach to apologize but i think that is my human nature shinning through. i want to be at a place this october, when ryan and ash get married, where i am able to look zach in the face with nothing but joy seeping from me because bitterness has not hardend me. i know zach and i will not ever be friends. sometimes wounds are too deep for that and i am not sure zach and i would have made good friends anyway. we are so different. more different than we realized but he is my brother and we love and are deeply loved by the same God. I guess that qualifies zach to genuine civility.

i will no longer bore you all. more blogs are on their way. i have a lot to say these days.

peace out.

Confession

2005-12-18T11:59:00.000-08:00

I have always thought, as conceited as it sounds, that I was born to be famous. Does everyone think this? I know a lot of kids play like they are famous singers when they are younger. Other kids act like famous actors and actresses. And there has not been a single child, that I know, that has not had a crush on a celebrity and was convinced that they would be mr. or mrs. "so and so."

Where am I going with this? To be honest I am not sure. I have a great problem not being content with sitting around living in the everyday. Maybe this realization is God talking to me, telling me that being God's child makes me extraordinary. Do you ever feel like you have star quality that has been undiscovered? Is this just me thinking too highly of myself? I am not sure because I struggle with my self-esteem as everyone does but I can't shake the feeling that I was made for something great.

Maybe that is what Rick Warren is talking about in his book, Purpose Driven Life. I may just be under the impression that I am supposed to do something spectacular because I am wired in the image of God. The down side to this mind set is that I am way too eager to entertain and way to focused on whether I am liked. I am agreeable to a point that makes me feel fake sometimes. Do you ever get the feeling that you are not quite sure who you really are? Not because you are in search of your purpose but rather because you gave up the search long enough to mold yourself into what everyone else wants you to be?

I am not necessarily suggesting that I have done that but it is something that I try and watch out for. More often than not I feel myself give into the cynism of this world that suffocates the personality in me that loves people, that loves to serve and seeks after God to the point of desperation. I am becoming familar with this person again. It is odd that as winter has begun, all around me there are trees and plants dying yet I am being reawakened. I have grown cold but I am thawing out.

My apologies

2005-12-06T13:17:00.000-08:00

I am so sorry for not keepingup with my blogging. I hae not had much inspiration these last couple of days nor have I had internet access in my apt. Ahhh communial living what joy floods my soul. Please, don't get me wrong I love my job. I do not love how residents can take showers and have a puddle of water invade their floor and then have it leak into my airconditioning unit all the way down my wall into my internet jack. That can be somewhat freustarting. All the while I am trying to write a paper and register for classes.

It is a new expreinece writing in the library next to someone who has chosen the "I refuse to shower look" and where anyone at anytime could read my words over my shoulder. Ok, so the fact that the person next to me looks as if they haven't showered doesn't bother me. What does bother me is that very statement has pretty uch described my attitude these last couple of weeks.

I have been uber judgemental and cynical. I mean I am asking myself, "where is the love?" I admitt that I can be a rather critical individual but I have not always been that way which makes me wonder how people become the way they do. How can I have fought so long to be a loving person to all of a sudden really not care about how people feel.

I have a suspicion that I have consumed my life with what other people have thought of me for so long that I am slowly becoming numb. What a horrid thought. It takes a poor, unsuspecting male, sitting in front of the computer, minding his own business to make me see how far I have come gotten "peace on the earth, good will towards men."

Thank you random fellow in the computer chair next to me. Remember fellow readers, every moment is a teachable moment. I am learning that, especiallu in this job. There are so many times I have failed this year but I count those failures as success becauseI am able to learn what best to do next time. Why do the need after school specials when they can just let me blog about my mistakes and mishaps?

ohh happy day!

2005-11-19T13:19:00.000-08:00

I am getting my nose pierced today! i am nervous as hell but i have wanted to do it a long time and by it i don't mean get my nosed pierced. haha j/k but seriously I have. I am also sitting here typing next to my heater than umm never turns off. so, it is "hotter than two rats humpin in a whool sock", as my best friend heather says.

I think there are actually two rats in my heater which is kind of freakin me out. haha Jess, if you read this entry I just want your mind to go back to the time that we lived with the mice jumping on our beds and throwing terds at our stuff. haha

one final thougt. congrats Ryan for landing the job and yeah for you ash, you finally got your mans there beside you.

be good. love youns and have a goodins day.

knocked down a peg or two

2005-11-15T01:00:00.000-08:00

Leadership...maybe not my forte. I am so drained. I had a meeting with my RA's and to say that it didn't go well is an understatement. I think I am being taught by God that I have not been coming to him for guidance and for that I have truly fell flat on my face. Even a good cry is not taking the overwhleming feeling that I have failed away.

I wonder if I am the only one who is in a perputual cycle of wanting change and not doing one damn thing to aid in my reformation. I am at the mercy of God and as dramatic as that sounds it is true. I remember that feeling, for lack of a better word, of being proud of where I had come from. I was not proud because I got there on my own but because God had brought me there.

I want to throw my head back and praise my maker. I do not want fear, pride, doubt, ect...to come in between me and my amazing Savior. Have you ever missed God, not because He left you or because you lost Him, but because you do not know how to get past yourself? It is rather a hopeless situation to be in. When I was in eighth grade I remember having such a tight relationship with God. I used to just sit in my bed at night and sing to Him and I felt His presence in my room.

I think I need to get some rest. Sleep makes me a little more emotional than I really am.

God,
Thank you so much. You have been more faithful than I deserve. I am not giving up. I am going to pursue you. I need you, desperatly." I have no light unless I turn my face toward you."

storms

2005-10-04T19:50:00.000-07:00

Storms have a wonderful way of blowing in, destroying any sense of stability and then leaving their victims to pick up the pieces of there broken lives and find security in the debris that has been left. I have come to see how similiar storms and breakups truly are. A very recent converstion with a friend, and a romantic interest, have made me realize how a break up can continue to stir up emotions and scars that were thought to be forgotten.

When Zach and I broke up my self esteem was shot. No matter how may times he denied my fault for the ending of the relationship the pain was still very real, as real as the many sleepless nights I spent asking myself why I was not good enough for love. What could make a person solely devoted to me, through word of mouth, "fall out of love with me." The only thing I could conclude, and tell me if I am wrong, was that it must have been some default in my maker's creative process that made me unlovable.

Due to a foolish decison I made in giving my ex my blog site I must make the disclaimer that these words are not ment to "make him feel guilty," rather they are words of observation. I have observed that the words we say, like the effects of a storm, can truly make a lasting impression. I do not say this in a way to offend those that have experinced the devestating losses in the recent Katrina Hurricane. My heart truly goes out to you and in some ways our losses have caused the same amount of chaos.

Readers, understand that the words we say can damage the lives and souls of those that we truly care about. The things that I was told left scars deep within me that I am still dealing with 11 months later. This has made relationships more difficult and although I am thankful, yes thankful for what happened between Zach and I, I am dealing with the after math of my own storm. I have gone through my own whirlwind of emotions and feelings that pounded down on me and left me to deal with the destruction of identity and self . That, my friends, is just what I was thinking bout this weekend.

Curves....

2005-09-19T16:52:00.000-07:00

I just wanted all my friends out there to know that I am taking charge of my life, well at least my rolls, and I have joined Curves (check them out at curves.com). I realized that worship is so much more than going to chruch and reading our Bibles or even more than praying. While those things are truly helpful in keeping us connected to God those things are just the beginning. In joining Curves, I am worshiping God. I am saying to myself, and to the world, I am not happy with the way I have been treating God's temple. I want to improve myself for my spiritual, mental, and physical health. Those are not seperate things. When something in you is lacking all things are lacking.

My weight issue has much to do with the fact that I struggle with finding ways to deal with my emotions. I eat away my feelings and in the end I am hurting myself. I am building a fortress around the everyday issues I struggle with and that is not healthy. So, bottom line, exercise goes deeper than wanting to look good to impress my peers. I want to look at life as something to enjoy...I can't do that if I am not healthy;physically, spiritually, and mentally. Thank you for allowing me to stand on my soapbox for a bit. Please keep me in your prayers and please be holding me accountable. I am going to need that.

2005-09-18T01:46:00.000-07:00

I was ready to sleep when I felt the urge to read a journal entry I had written in my journal. In my journal entry I am writing to, actually pleading for, God to speak to me; to make His presence know in my life again. That led me to write some stream of consciousness thoughts out in my journal that I really wanted to share.

The time that journal entry was written I was deperate to hear a word from God. I wanted to know that He had not forgotten about me and that he, in fact, did have a plan for my life. I was hanging on by a thread. There is a song by Andrew Peterson that indirectly inspired my writing. I am going to share teh lyrics and then I will write some of the thoughts that I had. I hope this is encouraging to someone out there.

It's enough to drive a man crazy; it'll break a man's faithIt's enough to make him wonder if he's ever been saneWhen he's bleating for comfort from Thy staff and Thy rodAnd the heaven's only answer is the silence of GodIt'll shake a man's timbers when he loses his heartWhen he has to remember what broke him apartThis yoke may be easy, but this burden is notWhen the crying fields are frozen by the silence of GodAnd if a man has got to listen to the voices of the mobWho are reeling in the throes of all the happiness they've gotWhen they tell you all their troubles have been nailed up to that crossThen what about the times when even followers get lost?'Cause we all get lost sometimes...There's a statue of Jesus on a monastery knollIn the hills of Kentucky, all quiet and coldAnd He's kneeling in the garden, as silent as a StoneAll His friends are sleeping and He's weeping all aloneAnd the man of all sorrows, he never forgotWhat sorrow is carried by the hearts that he boughtSo when the questions dissolve into the silence of GodThe aching may remain, but the breaking does notThe aching may remain, but the breaking does notIn the holy, lonesome echo of the silence of God

Andrew Peterson

"There is a silence that even the bravest men fear. It is the silence of God. Afterall, where do you go for answers when the only one to speak; words so powerful that they rose men from the dead, seems miles away and refuses to aknowledge your cries? It will make you tremble and lie awake at night. It will frustrate and bring you to tears. How do you comfort one who is experincing the silence of God? How do you prove to them that they will once again hear the tender, still small voice of the one that loved them enough to die for them?Furthermore how do you reassure them that God is love?"

I think of Job a lot, especially when I am experincing God's silence. I am in awe when Job declares: "Though He slay me, I will hope in Him (Job 13:15)." Directly after Job learns of the many horrors that have just taken place he "...fell to the ground a worshiped (Job 1:20)." Job's faith (trust in God) was firm and true. Job says," As for me, I know that my Redeemer lives, And at the last He will take His stand on the earth. Even after my skin is destroyed, Yet from my flesh I shall see God...(Job 19:26 and 27)."

2005-09-13T01:17:00.000-07:00

Count Me In(Deana Carter, Chuck Jones)
Could there be a different endingTo the same old story?Cause you're not the first to sayYou're gonna be there for me.I need to know what's in your heart.Can you finish what you start?How can I be sure I won't be sorry?If heartaches and tears and shadows of doubt Are part of the deal, you can count me out.But if you're talking about a game I can win You can count me in.When you tell me you're the one I've always needed You don't know how much I'm wanting To believe it. But I've heard it all before Now I'm needing something more. A promise is no good if you can't keep it.

It is odd that after 9 months or so I am still writing about my relationship with my ex fiance. No, it is not his recent interest in my blog that has sparked these blog entries, mostly it is the remeberence and realization that in just a couple of months it will have been exactly a year since our devasting breakup. I have had a whirl wind year and really it is no suprise that God has slowly brought Zach back into my life. I can not complain, I did may times during my situation, but my desire is to grow so close to Christ that my complaining can be a bare minimun when I am struggling...but i digress.

The reason I used those lyrics at the beginning of my blog is to relate the recent issue with which I have been dealing and processing over the last couple of weeks. I am lonely...I think those who are faithful blog readers of mine would say that is no suprise. I am not sure that I am ready for another relationship but I want one. After two relationships that did not go as planned I am so much more cautious about what I choose to believe, which is good. My standards are higher and I am not willing to compromise. I love those lyrics because that is how I am feeling right now. Maybe it is unfair to expect a guy to know what he wants out of the relationship that early on but I am sick of broken promises and empty words...I don't ever want to feel the pain I felt almost a year ago.

I am not pointing fingers, in someways I am to blame for my broken heart more so than my ex, but it is hard to not harden my heart after promises that had been made crumbled before me...I am not willing to have another broken heart... I am striving to be more wise even if that means a few more years of singleness...I hope God doesn't take me up on that.haha

"Broken on my knees"

2005-09-11T21:07:00.000-07:00

That is a phrase from Jars of Clay's song, "World's Apart." That song spoke loudly to me this weekend, especially today. I have a problem. My problem is not listening to the still small voice inside me that tells me right from wrong. Not my conscious but the Holy Spirit. I allowed my friend, my male friend, to stay at my apartment this weekend. Bad idea. Why? because I live in a female residence hall. I feel I compromised myself and my role as a leader.

I talked to a few of my R.A.'s which only confirmed my assumption that I had offended some of the girls in my building. See, it is not just a personal decison that affects only you but me allowing my male friend to stay in my apt., as innocent as it was, affected, in a small way, how I was seen as a leader. In a small way, to some insignificant, my decisons as a leader will be questioned in the minds of my staff. As a Christian I must be more careful to think of those I lead. I never again want to compromise the role that God has placed me in by ignoring the Holy Spirit and the Holy Spirit's leading.

Nightmare turned real...

2005-09-04T16:04:00.000-07:00

there is no way I could ever fully understand the pain these victims are going through. I can barely watch the news without feeling utterly helpless. I was planning on being in New Orleans this semester. I had plans to attend the Seminary there. God was not calling me there and I decided, this summer infact, that I would not be going back to school. The amazing thing is not that I was spared the horror of Katrina but that God spared me from the misery of not following His plan for my life...

i had plans to be married this past june...didn't happen. i had plans to go to New Orleans this semester to work on my Master's...didn't happen. I have had so many plans throwted over the years. relationships that went no where, or at least not where i intended them to go, and dreams shattered because i was a the foolish man who built his house upon the sand.

i don't have a clue as to why this natural disaster as taken place. maybe it was sin...why should we turn eyes from that possibility. maybe it was just a freak occurance, although i personally don't prescribe to that theory i can not assume i am right about the reasons for all of this. the one thing i have held on to, sometimes for dear life, is the truth that God has a beautiful plan for His people. if i would have had things my way look at the devestation that would have ensued. i would be married to a man that didn't know how to truly love me and then i would have found myself in one of the most devestating events that has ever taken place in my 23 years of living.

do not turn my words around, all you who read. i have written with my own agenda and my own maze like thoughts. i am shorting out how i feel. do not take a stab at me with your criticisms, please. we are all struggling with the questions of why, whether directly or indirectly effected and the truth of the matter is; we are all effected.

Back at the ol' alma mater

2005-08-02T16:36:00.000-07:00

well, i got the job at cn, as i have said before. i am officially the Residence Life Coordinator for the residence hall, butler. the last time i was at butler was one of the greatest years of my life. it is honestly one of the most memorable years. it was the year i had my first boyfriend, my first kiss, my firts heartbreak. i went on an amazing mission trip to Bulgaria, as i worked with severly mentally handicap children. that year was, in a word, beautiful.

i am convienced that this year is going to be God honoring and quite beautiful in it's own way. the residence life staff have already bonded after a day. we are completly compatiable and God is very present in our meetings, in everyone of the staff. it is quite humbling to be involved n such a spirit lead ministry. it is not just a job for me. it is rather an opportunity for spiritual growth in my understanding of who God is and how he plans to use me.

the college has provided me a free apt, included in my contract. it is old, much like the residence hall, but i am in love with my humble abode already. it has true character. the bathroom tiles are baby blanket pink and i love it. if you can imagine it, the kitchen sink is like those 40 0r 50's model sinks. it is awesome. it feel so homey and warm, although i have learned that the air conditioning is working brilliantly.

one thing i have noticed, especially today due to having the day to chill, is that every moment of everyday is an opportunity to be taught a lesson by God. there is one more week of summer camps, so there are children all over the campus and they are staying in Butler. it has made me quite aware of me being by myself in this 5 room apt. i thought as soon as i enter the carson newman environment that my days would be filled up with whirlwind activities; sweeping me off my feet and giving me barely anytime to think. on the contrary.

God has really used this opportunity for me to realize that no matter where you are you are going to be alone and you have to learn to deal with that. i am better about being alone, and content with that, then i was a year ago but i am not as good with hanging out with myself as i should be, atleast i must get better at being content with it. i rely on people alot. to make me feel certain ways about myself, to fill the void of lonliness and for my entertainment and it has gotten me into some trouble in the past.

relationships that were never ment to be were formed due to my insecurities of being alone and when my need to entertained was never met it left me in a self-loathing state. this is not the technically New Year, but for me it is a type of New Year. i am going to have the privilage to get to know God on a different level than i ever have before, in a way that means that i am going to get to know myself a bit better as well. i am excited about that because when you learn things you like, or dislike, about yourself you become more a rich and complete individual.

i may never really know who i am. i don't think anyone will, but i can come close. i am delighted to have the chance to glorify God this year in my pursuit of God; to know God deeper.

"let's make music together. let's make sweet harmony"

2005-07-26T22:45:00.000-07:00

remember what movie that is from? if you guessed All Dogs Go to Heaven, than you were RIGHT!!!! anywho, i wanted to plug one of my favorite musicians. his name is Amos Lee and his voice can speak for itself. his voice and soothing and passionate. very heavenly...check his music out at Blue Notes Records. he is amazing. i promise you will not regret it.

call me!!!!

2005-07-25T12:19:00.000-07:00

as i sit here watching a special on sharks, on animal planet, i am lonely. it's 11:51 pm and i am discovering that i am lonely. i'll tell you exactly what brought me to this conclusion, no matter how typical it may be. the fact is that these are real feelings.

i was watching When Harry Met Sally with my friend, heather. maybe, i am premenstrual. i don't know but i do know that my heart longs for a man to look me in the eye and see my as an equal he can not live without. i am not looking for a fairytale. reality has shit on me way to many times to expect perfection. my heart just hurts for a relationship; "a longing of my heart "kind of ache.

i know, everyone feels like that. i am not the only one that goes through this. i should relize the love Christ has for me and that should complete me. i've heard it all. i know my time will come but that mindset doesn't speed things up. this is where maturity plays a crutial role. this is where i suck it up and refuse myself a pity party.

but why? why do i have to pretend i am not lonely. why do i have to pretend that i am content being single? and why do i have to be content being single before i obtain a legit relationship? zach, broke up with me and immediately began dating someone, after being with me for a year and half. this was eight months ago and the only guy i would even consider dating lives far away, struggling with issues of his own.

i know i sound bitter, but i think there is a world of difference between bitter and honest. the last thing i want to do is damage the progress that has been made in the last year. i love God with all my heart, soul, and mind and trust that God is working it all for my good. yet, i can not deny the pain it causes me at times to feel lonely and unattached.

i want love, eros love. i want someone to call me. i want to be wanted as well as needed. i want to want as well as need. i want to be kissed and cuddeled. i want to be dreamt about and longed for. i want to be on someone's mind and i want someone on mine.i want butterflies and long goodbyes. i want romance and excitement. i want to feel complete. not because i am not complete without him but because serving God with him fulfills the earthly intimacy my heart desires. so call me already.

on a lighter note. today i realized that if i married billy crystal my name would be crystal crystal. just a thought.

it happened!!!

2005-07-22T12:48:00.000-07:00

so for maybe a millasecond i knew what it felt like to be content, and even pleased, with who i am. it almost happened to quickly for me to fully revel in it's glory but i will tell you for that second it felt great. if that is at all how it will be like in heaven then i can't wait. it is seconds, instances, like that very one that humble me, bring me to my knees even, and restore my understanding of reality, like i was talking about before.

have you ever had those brief moments when it all becomes clear? and that's what they are, brief, but glorious. no cloudy residue filling up your mind. i wonder if those are like visions into the future. i know i sound like a dungeons and dragons nerd, but i really wonder if those moments, when life is clear and understandable, are not somewhat prophetic. the sad thing is those moments are so few and go so quick that you can not really articulate what you saw or how you feel. all you can say is clear...like a breath right strip...or maybe not like that at all.

what's in a name?

2005-07-21T13:10:00.000-07:00

have you ever wanted to change your name? i guess i am not saying exactly what i mean. what i mean is have you ever wanted to change who you are and wish it was as simple as changing your name? i don't want to be someone else;anybody specific. i just want to be different.

i have become quite familiar with those qualities in me that are unhealthy for me. i guess it is called self discovery. i want to wake up and be new. i know that i am a new creation in Christ, yet there are so many days i wake up feeling defeated; feeling human. and it all seems a vicious cycle to me.

i am by all means not suggesting God does not hold true to the promise of being new, nor do i flee from the responsibility that i have to live my life as would please God,but there are times when it can be so exhausting. it means so much when Jesus says," come to me all who are weary and I shall give you rest."

i want a rest from myself. a rest from my need to please everyone. a rest from my laziness. a rest from my lack of motivation, my desire to eat what is bad for me. a rest from all those negative, sinful characteristics that make me feel so ugly.

does anyone know where i am coming from?

patchouli incense

2005-07-12T21:54:00.000-07:00

i accidentially signed off and lost a blog that i was almost done writing. poopy for me uhh? i can recount all the important themes of the blog. what i was trying to convey in the last blog was my appreciation for God's faithfulness. i feel like king david in psalm 34:4 when he says," I sought the Lord, and He answered me..." the thing about it though is that i guess i did not realize i had been seeking the Lord because i was so numb for so long that i thought i didn't care and God has awakened me.

i got this job at Carson Newman and i start aug 1, 2005. i thought for sure i was not going to get this job but i see that God wants to use in this position and i am so excited to be used. it's so funny that people do not want to be anyone's slave. that's the beauty of being american afterall; your freedom. but i promise that anyone would give up everything to serve God one day if they had the opportunity to be in God's very presence. i don't always understand that but i have lived it.

i just got done reading the Chroncles of Narnia and c.s lewis's character's, in the Last Battle, relize that the Narnia they have come to love was just a shadow of the Narnia they had awaiting them. that is what i mean by serving God for one day in exchange for everything. that is the reality of all things;God. God is reality all is just a shadow casting doubtful images that can be mistaken for reality and suck us into the worries of the world. i believe that is why Jesus said not to worry about tomorrow because if we really understood how in control God was then it would, or should, not matter. call me foolish, simple, or plain naive. i don't mind.

a lesson learned while unclogging the vacume...

2005-06-11T15:02:00.000-07:00

you know the vacumes, i know jess will, that are just used for little projects like bathroom rugs and such. well, this morning i was vacuming my bathroom after blow drying my hair, for those of you who know my mother this is much understood, and i noticed that the vacume was not sucking properly so I empty the dispenser but it is still not sucking up all the hair. I remembered my days in my old apartment when we would vacume and the vacume would get clogged due to the low budet carpet we had. i turn the vacume upside down and behold it is clogged. so, i take faith's tweezers, haha i still can't believe i did that, and i clean out the vacume and a thought occurred to me, i am the clogged vacume.

latley, i have noticed a change in myself. a looming cloudy change that i have attempted to remedy but have not been able to get unclogged, if you will. my attitude sucks, my mouth is ridden with expletives and my passion for God though present is not as strong as it once was, until today. what changed it all you might ask? a fight changed it all. my mother and i shared when of our usual name calling, low blowing, ego bashing fights this morning, before my vacume ephiany. after one of these fights i go sulk in my room and think of all the injustices i have endured, but today as i lay on my bed, blankets pulled over my head, i realize i am 23 years old. i realize things are in need of changing.

i wrote a poem last night that i am working on turning into a song. here it is:

i see my reflection in your epression. i tell you i don't like what i see

insecure girl with her bubble all shattered. what the hell am i expecting from me?

bumpy skin, unwanted hair, eyes slighty off with a bewilderedment stare.

is this all i am to the the whole population a flawed, broken human, an imperfect creation?

oh, the damage the airbrush can do to a girl who has bought into diamonds, ribbons and curls. never perfect enough to win over a prince she settles for toads never knowing the bliss that imperfection will bring to the one who would come and lay all that that they are at the foot of the throne to the the one who would come and forget all His pride and would fight and would bleed for an imperfect bride.

as i was in the bathroom vacuming it occurred to me that i do things that are unloving. i do things that are selfish and self centered but i am not these things. when christ died for me i became beautiful to him and forgiven. "your kindness Lord leads us to repentance." that sentence was never more true to me than today. my apology will not work today with my mom. i will be snubbed and denied forgiveness from her, understandably so, but despite my sin God will allow me to enjoy His presence.

so how does this relate to the clogged vacume. today, just like the vacume. i was not working properly. i was clogged with sarcasim and hatefulness, but after Christ took the time to unclogg me, show me my error and lovingly dispose of the nasty dirt and grime i was made new, i was purifed. i was refined.

summer is here....

2005-05-29T17:53:00.000-07:00

ok, so it not exactly summer, officially. i'm not up on the calander dates but anyway. i genuinely love my new bathing suit. first bathing suit i've ever felt good about myself in and it is nice. i'm getting comfortable with my full figure body as the years go by. i am chubby and it's ok because just as clothes do not make the man, chub does does not make this girl.

isn't it funny that i can not bring myself to call myself a woman? i have been a women for a while and yet at 23 i am still feeling like a little girl. i guess this growing up thing is going to happen slow until i find myself at 75, God willing of course, and realize i am ld. it doesn't help that i look like i just graduated from highschool rather than being a college graduate for a year.

i want to share with my faithful bloggers, my new favorite group. they are not new but umm leave it to me to just give them a chance. i am not good with change or new things. the group is Copeland. they are wonderful. musically similar to dashboard in my humble opinion but not a copycat group. the lead singer's voice is pure and unique. it is falsettoly swoony at times, if that definition makes sense. when the instruments build you can feel it. there have been several times when listening that i have wanted to soar along with the music. the music is,admittingly, melancholy and touches all the parts in me that yearn to feel something, which i would say can be dangerous at times yet quite beautiful. the lyrics are thoughful and sweet. listening to them makes me wonder where these boys are so i can met one.:) do they exist? maybe only in my proverbial dreams. i would say about Copeland, that they are a perfect dream. their lyrics say what every girl wants to hear. this is the best way i can describe why i love them. here it is.

do you love Christmas lights and candles? do you think cabins in the mountains are romantic. do you love coffeshops and crave hours of conversation from eveing to the wee hours of the morning? these are all things i think of when listening to Copeland and groups similar to them. weird, probably to you, but that is the best way i can do.

i have a whole new respect for the vocal chords since i have been taking voice lessons. the vocal chords are quite delicate and are a fabulous instrument. it takes so much work to make music with them. just the right amount of breath, just the perfect amount of tension,. i used to say i was not a musician but i disagree with that line of reasoning. screw those who do not think lead singers are important or those who do not respect the musical talents of choirs. whoa, i just got really bitter. hahaha so, i will umm go simmer down now. cause i'm not sure where that came from. :) youn's have a wonderful day.

how do you like me poem.....

2005-05-18T21:32:00.000-07:00

i am waiting for the music to begin, to really live.

i am waiting to breath in the things i fear the most, embrace reality and leave the ghost behind.

i swear that when i hear the melody i will sing along.

the rythem begins to take its hold, as i begin to grow bold i walk towards the sound, i run.

the music isn't like how i thought it would sound.

it does not soothe, it hurts and the notes i thought were soft begin to pound heavy like waves.

an understanding would relieve, bring back belief.

this cycle is circularly wrapping itself round my memories till all i know is the cycle

i want to learn somehing new this time.

i want to openly cry and smile at a stanger that walks by with my head lifted, satisfied and proud.

SHIT!!!!! (I am truly sorry for the expletive)

2005-05-17T17:26:00.000-07:00

I will begin this blog with a music quote by Sarah Mclachlan:
Fallen

Heaven Bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I tried my best
But somewhere long the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
But the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so

We all begin out with good intent
When love is raw and young
We believe that we can change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I've held so dear

Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so

Heaven bend to take my hand
I've nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to these I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
That it's one wrong step one slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem away to be redeemed

Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so

I begain with this quote because I feel as if I have lived this song this week. After a long conversation I have come to realize that I, once again, ran before God and will be left with the scars that naturally surface.

I must back up and share with my faithful blog readers the story of my Freshman and Sophmore year of college. There was a boy named, Josh Hendrick, I feel hard for him and compromised my heart. It was not until God brought another person in my life that I realized how I had disrespected myself, to hang on someone's every word. I was pathetic and my friends lovingly supported me through my stupidity, never letting on that they knew how much I was hurting myself.

I have almost become that girl again, by no one's fault but myself. I have fallen hard and this time I think I realized just in time. I don't want to be picking gravel out of my teeth for another two years. The boy that I spoke of in my last blog, still wonderful as ever, has been too much on my mind these days. So, that is why I expressively proclaim, SHIT!!!! I don't want to forget the person God made me. A girl with conviction, dreams, self-respect. I long to be desired, pursued, dreamed about and fought for. Dramatic, yes, but something I am worth. It has taken me to many years to realize that.

I sure do like you (mystery guy), but I am learning that no matter how much I want something it may not be the best for me. I want to say that I do not blame you. I blame myself. You are great and I am still in hopes that maybe God will do something spectacular with this friendship I ahve had the privelage to help form but I can't make you all I'm about and I know you understand that better than I do. Thank you for your friendship, it means a bunch to me.

You know who you are.....wish everyone else did too

2005-05-14T15:17:00.000-07:00

so, yeah...finally, i have met and incrediable, life changing man of God. you would think that celebration would be at hand, right? bring on the parade. WRONG! was that a little dramatic? anywhoo...there is just a slight problem that i find with this guy, he lives many miles away from me. typical crystal happenings. meet a guy, talk to him, found out that you've never, in your life, been more honest with a person and then they live too far for anything to be made of it.

i kind of find it funny...i mean i have to cause i have no other choice. but the biggest problem with this, if there could be a bigger problem then not living near him, is that i have become so attached in such a short time span. i fear that his eyes have caught sight of this here blog and may not understand all that i am saying, but it has always been the policy to hold honesty as the highest regard for each others feelings.

i want everyone to meet the beautiful soul that i have encountered. not because marriage is in the works and all must approve or because dating is even something we are considering but because i want to share his amazing mind with those who i know would appreciate him and who in turn he would appreciate.

oh well, guess you can't have your cake and eat it too, mmmmmmm cake.

Let me be inconsolable....

2005-05-12T18:52:00.000-07:00

Maybe i am tired or maybe i just need to release. i am pissed about the people talking to me as i type, why must the world disrupt my pity party. Even a meloncholoy song has betrayed me by changing its tune. life should come with a sound track.

i have decided to embrace this sad mood...why you may ask, cause I feel like it.

it gets so frustrating thinking you might have something figured out and don't. imagine waking up everyday ready to conquer whatever God places in your path and then end the day feeling like you have no clue what is going on or who you are....

i don't want to be comforted right now...is that sinful? i just want to listen to a sad song that comforts me and save the laughs for another time. do i have to be happy all the time. is that what paul means when he says count it all joy? what if life feels heavy?

what if you feel like you once heard the voice of God and now all is silent? is it a phase, cause it's been so long since i felt God was embracing me. i am not unhappy just discontented. if people really knew this about me would they like me? would they be ok being friends with someone who can't seem to get it all together, someone who occassionally sits in her room and cries her cares away?

can i share with you the girl i miss. i miss always looking for good in everything. i miss just feeling the presence of God in my life instead of daily reminding myself that He is there no matter how i feel. i miss liking a boy and it just happening. i miss my little girl dreams. i miss knowing what i was passionate about instead of being told what i am passionate about.

i have never felt normal. is that because i sense that i am here for a short time or am i not ment to have it all? what am i made for? see, i know the answer everyone is supposed to say. i am here for God's glory...and i do believe it but i don't feel it. i wish that God would be tangible right now, so i could have a hug, a touch.

umm because i don't want people to think i am suicidal i want to say that this is just a sad minute and i plan on getting out of my funk and putting on my gorgeous smile...haha (i'm so humble and completely kidding). i am going to go to the lifter of my head and seek him...maybe that is why i am in a funk.... :) bye my friends. i really am fine i just needed to vent. if you have some encouragement please feel free to encourage. :) even if it to tell me to suck it up. love you all

Me sleepy...

2005-05-05T00:35:00.000-07:00

I am about to hit the "hay" but something calls to me saying, "write a blog." So, write I must. Let me turn on some tunes and away I will go...Be right back. Ok, I am back. So, where so I start this thing. Let's start with Saturday night and work our way to here.

Saturday night I went to see my best friend Ashleigh's production in Marietta. I was with my cousin, her fiance, Ashleigh, her boyfriend, Jessie, and her husband. Right smack in that world was me. Man, I felt so sad. I know that I do not have to be dating someone but that sure doesn't take away that desire. None of them did or said anything to make me feel left out but it happens. I think what really set it off was I thought about how proud Ryan probably was of Ashleigh and my heart hurt for someone to love me like that. I guess I am lucky cause I have a God that loves me greater than that, so I guess that makes my complaints invalid.

I sure would like to know what it feels like to find yourself in the presence of the one you will spend the rest of your life with, that is all I am saying. I know that makes me sound so sorry but man my life is so good everywhere else..I just feel like I need to have something to complain about....:)

I just realized, in all honesty, that my mind is so surrounded by the thought of boys that I am so crippled. I want to not care, be like those girls who can live without the thought of a guy in here life. If I could do that I think that I would be such a strong person. I would know who I was....so, I think.

Rebel with no clue....

2005-04-25T01:29:00.000-07:00

Late again. I need to learn how to go to bed like normal people do. I have nothing extremely exciting to talk about. My cousin is sending me random quotes via im and all is quiet in the house. It seems that things I want to talk about do not matter so much anymore.

I, like so many of my friends, have been searching and searching for the meaning of my life to take shape in my "dream job" this week. No such luck. I went to two temp. agencies last week. The first agency I visited just made me leave with a bad taste in my mouth for the corporate world. The woman and man that interviewed me to place me, basically told me, subtly of course, that my degree was unimportant and worthless. They wanted me to lie about my desires for myself so they could market me better. I sat there, let them scheme and talk and left feeling defeated and inadequate. The second place was a bit more hopeful toward my plight in life. The woman who intervewed me there seemed to really belive that she could get me a job. I am so over the idea of being normal.

My family tells me that I've set my heights to high, that I have to stop trying to be a non-comfirmist and conform. I say Hell no!!! But maybe I am a "rebel without a cause. " See, I thought that I would graduate and someone out there would discover that I was too valuable to let go and would offer me a job. That only happens in made for t.v. movies on LIFETIME I think. I am working at Chick-fil-a and so far have not been discovered for my amazing ability to serve a chicken sandwhich with a smile. Do fairytales happen today anyways? I'm not sure. I am sure though that God really is amazing.

I am going to get a bit personal with you folks. I have been diagnosed with Depression. I have been taking medication. Through that medicine and God's amazing grace, I have been seeing things more clearly. I am noticing that God did not create the world to make me miserable and that God is not out to make my life a living hell. For those who feel the need to pray for people I welcome your prayers because I am really ready to start a new chapter in my life. A chapter that is complete with devotion and thankfulness to God for all God has done in my life.

I wish I could have been thanking God through my blinders but sometimes the blinders have to be almost removed before you can see that God is doing something amazing and you just can't see it. I am not perfect, God knows I don't claim to be, but I want to make my life mean something by giving all I have to the One who gave me all He had. I will leave you with some lyrics from my favorite artist, Sara Groves.

Inspired by John Ortberg's The Life You've Always Wanted, and written for the NCU women's winter retreat.

"When I stand before the Lord, I'll be standing alone. This journey is my own. Still I want man's advice, and I need man's approval, but this journey is my own. . Chorus: Why would I want to live for man and pay the highest price? What would it mean to gain the world, only to lose my life? . So much of what I do is to make a good impression. This journey is my own. So much of what I say is to make myself look better. This journey is my own. . Chorus . I have never felt relief like I feel it right now. This journey is my own. 'Cause trying to please the world it was breaking me down, it was breaking me down. . Now I live and I breathe for an audience of one, now I live and I breath for an audience of one. Now I live and I breathe for an audience of one, 'cause I know this journey is my own. . Chorus . You can live for someone else, and it will only bring you pain. I can't even judge myself. Only the Lord can say, "Well done."

Romans 1:18-25

2005-04-10T23:49:00.000-07:00

This morning during Sunday School we read Romans 1:18-25. We talked about how we as humans have such a tendancy to need to wordship something because God has designed us for such a purpose. I realized today that I have been misdirecting my worship for quite some time. I have missed my fellowship with Christ for so long.I'm talking that intimacy that only a deep committed relationship with God can bring. Today I feel like the wool as been torn from my eyes. I have been feeling so low lately and so far from God. After todays lesson I feel energized. I want to write out some lyrics by Sara Groves that mean so much to me because in the oddest way they say what I have not been able to say for so long. Please let me know if they speak to you as well.

Inspired by the story of David in I and II Samuel.

"Speak to me, speak to me in my cave of Adullam. Reach to me, reach to me. No one cares for my soul. I thought I saw your kingdom, but it's not going to happen like I thought it would happen. . Remind me, remind me of the vision you gave me. Remind me, remind me what anointing oil is for. I need to know you're near me. I need to know you are holding me just as closely . Chorus: as the day you took my life and gave me a vision, as the day you poured the oil and gave me a dream. I can't believe this is happening. How does a shepherd become a king?"

This song means so much to me because I thought that God had called me to get married, I thought God was calling me to something grand when I graduated and this year has been HELL on earth for me. I can't begin to tell you but God is not done with me and I don't want to be done with. If I look back from all the kicking,screaming, crying and begging and find myself closer to God then it was all worth it. I was thinking to myself, just tonight, that my heart longs for romantic companionship but that is all I've been living for and there is more God wants from me. No relationshio will fulfil me until all I want is God. Thank You Lord for such insight today. You heard my cry and you answered me.

Carson Newman...

2005-03-29T23:31:00.000-08:00

I guess I don't really believe you can jinx anything, cause I truly believe God is in control of my future, but sometimes I feel like if I start talking about something before it happens it is bound to fail. lollol guess that is the pessimisim(sp?) in me. I will go ahead and devulge me inner secrets anyways though and see what happens...
I applied for a job at Carson Newman to be a RLC of a dorm. I really want this job, a whole bunch. I think it would aid in my maturing process as well as put me near my roomie and her husband. I also think I would be really good at the job but I can list all the reasons why I want the job and all the reasons I think I would be perfect for the job but bottom line God is going to be the one who opens the door. I really would love or God to open the door wide for this job. I guess this is where patience and trust that Go knows better than me comes into play.haha.

Walmart fiasco...

2005-03-18T23:11:00.000-08:00

Ok, so i'm on my way to walmart tonight and my phone rings. I look on my display screen and do not recognize the number. I answer it excitedly because no one ever calls me. I say hello and I am answered by an unrecogniable, yet familiar, male voice. We begin this place the name game. I ask him, who is this. He swear I ahould know him. I insist I do not. He then begins to name people we mutally know. I am naming random males that have been in my life in the past. He denies being any of these boys I am assuming He is. I begin to get a bit freaked out thinking that maybe I have my first stalker or I have gone insane, like I always feared I would. Finally, in desperation, I say is this Mitch? He says yes, but it can't be! It is to simple. I should have known it was him. Why didn't I know it was him. I feel horrible. Maybe I could blame it on momentary insanity, not likely. I really wish I would have known it was him, because I really miss Mitch. We have been through lots together. I wish he could have been there when Zach ripped out my heart, I know Mitch would have said the right things that would have made me feel better about it, and I can't even remember his name. lololol

Almost 1:00 in the morning...

2005-03-18T01:10:00.000-08:00

Yes, I am sitting here at my desk, nice and sleepy, typing this here blog. I am freshly showered and can smell the shampoo...I love being able to smell the shampoo. Tell me reader, what is your favorite part about taking a shower? Please keep it G rated.

Now that I am done being inappropriate, as I have been deemed mayor of shadyville by my Chicago buddies, I will move on to bigger and better things. Oddly enough that is the theme of this blog. I was chatting with my friend Faith tonight and we were talking about boys, as we too often do. I was sharing with her about my friend Daniel's letter that he wrote me. It was an amazing letter. After I got done reading Daniel's letter I had to stop and think about all the things God wanted me to know after reading it. I came to the conclusion that I had missed the opportunity God had given to really show me God's love through my break up with Zach. God has so graciously committed himself to me and as bitchy and bitter as it may appear, Zach willing refused me unconditional love. Zach's only defense, he is human and has been handed God's mercy as I have.

Another epiphany , if you will and I know you will, I had was that I have spent so much time wanting to be in love that I didn't get it. I throw myself into relationships because for a moment they feel fulfilling, and they are in God's perfect setting, but I was left wanting because I too quickly gave in. I am sure that God has one special guy for me out there, maybe I've met him, maybe not, but I know that the moment I meet him that will be the time when I want it to count. I don't want a broken heart again and I don't want to be the one who breaks someone's heart. I need my relationships to be thought out and tested. I have had one relationship that I felt God was at the center of from the beginning, they all need to be that way from the start to the finish. Of course I want the next guy I date to be the last but more importantly I want to be the beautiful and pure bride for my groom. I want to feel the beauty of Christ all over me on my wedding day because no guy will ever make me feel so complete apart from God. So, until I can have it all, love's gonna have to wait.

I'm back

2005-03-13T23:35:00.000-08:00

I am back. It seems like I have been gone for forever. Like I said I was in Chicago on a missions trip. It was amazing. I actually can not fully describe how huge this trip was in my life. So, many things occured on this trip. I met amazing people, I was given the opportunity, by God, to reunite with a couple of friends that I ahd lost touch with, I spent much needed time with my cousin, and I worked with homeless men and women.

The biggest challenge of trips like this are that you never come back uneffected and unchanged. I feel as if God has breathed new breath on me and I desperatly want to devote myself to taking care of those who are less fotunate than me, no matter what that really means. It could be to help the homeless or maybe youth that feel unwanted or unworthy. I just know that I was given a huge wake up call when I interacted with the homeless. There are so may people out there that have just come into a bad situation and are left with nothing and with no one to care for them. How tenderhearted of Jesus to care for the unloved and rejected. We all have felt unwanted why not pour ourselves into the lives of those around us that have lost track of hope and lost their vision.

Man

2005-03-02T12:39:00.000-08:00

It has been a week since I wrote a blog entry. I am so tired and this one will not be long I can promise you that. I am going to Chicago for a week with my cousin and her group she sings with Shepard's Song. I am excited it will be such an encouraging thing to do. I have to wake up early so I can leave and meet with my friend Kesha. Her jackass boyfriend broke up with her and I really want to be there for her. I am starting to see God using my break up for my good. I have been able to help so many people through it. It sucked and sucks but sometimes that's the perverbial way the cookie crumbles right folks.
Thanks Adam, although I know not who you are. I read your blog about what being Christian is all about. I really enjoyed it. It really motivated me to really embrace my faith and continue to make it MY walk with Christ and no one else's.
night ya'll

Finding neverland...I lost it

2005-02-22T00:11:00.000-08:00

I went and saw Finding Neverland. First of all brilliant job, Mr. Depp. What an amazing actor...he needs to win something for it. When he was acting with that amazing little boy I was enthralled. I left the theatre with a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat that has yet to leave. I could just be emotional cause I am tired but that movie was fantastic.

Today I had a test in Ethics not exactly sure how I did. We'll see. I know I missed one question but you can't lose hope over one question ehh? I really can not wait to move to New Orleans. I think it will be an amazing adventure. My friend, Heather has said she is moving with me so we are going to go look at apartments down there. It will be awesome if Heather can move with me. Maybe, I won't feel so lost with someone there with me.

I tried to call Zach again just to check on him and see how he is, to be his friend but he wants nothing to do with me. That is all I can assume. I will never understand how someone can feel they have the right to disown you and neer give you a choice. I feel for women out there who have been cheated on by their husbands or left by their husbands. Death seems excusable but not complete abandonment. Especially since I am a Christian and he is a Christian. I love him and miss him. I just want to know that he is ok, that he is doing fine. I started writing a poem, tell me how you like it so far:
"As a healing wound is tender to the touch so is the sound of your
name to my ear."
That is all I have. I will leave you, or me if I am the only reader, some lyrics from Clem Snide. The song is called "Bread"
Bread
Cause you are the bread
And it’s never work
Warm buttered is good
Oh, let’s just digest

Those dishes are fine
They’re not going nowhere
So keep your hands soft
For high-fives and shakes

The bathroom’s a mess
Tomorrow we’ll clean
And the window won’t shut
But the breeze does feel nice

The stove can be used
To light cigarettes
Oh, let the tablecloth burn
It’s pretty that way

Because you smell like bread
And now the pillow does too
Has everyone left?
Were they even here?

Tests...life

2005-02-20T23:27:00.000-08:00

I am going to give myself a few mins to reflect and then back to studying in is. Today was a very odd, stressful, emotional day. It started with me waking up to my mother yelling at me about the cat playing in popurri(?)We later made up for that and then during night class I called my mother out in class....bad idea. I was a huge jerk. Man, I can't believe what I have become lately. I am in such selfish stage. I desperaty need God to take over. I could be being harder on myslef than nec. but really I have so much growing up to do....I need to go, poopy.

today

2005-02-19T00:50:00.000-08:00

I went to my friend Josh's birthday dinner. It was nice, really nice. I had so much fun just going out with people my age. It was refreshing. It was also really nice to hang with my friend Will. It has been awhile since I have been able to just sit with him and enjoy myself without being all weird after we dated.

I need to go to sleep but I have so much to do that I probably would think about all the things I needed to do. This semester is sucking my soul out already. I ahve so much reading to do and I need to be doing that right now but ummm I'm not....so I complain instead. Typical me. Well, it's either off to bed or off to read but either way I'm getting the dump off this computer...

Waiting

2005-02-17T21:24:00.000-08:00

So, yeah another blog and it has not even been 24 hours since I created my account. A friend at work, tonight, poured her heart out to me about her recent break up with her boyfriend. Man, that completely hit a nerve. She can not understand how he told her she was the only one he wanted, how he never felt this way about anyone and then in a matter of a month has moved on to bigger and better things. I come home tonight to see a package on my table and dread that it might be a package from Zach returning all my things. In my mind, if he keeps them then he wants me, if he returns them it's over. As, of yet he still has my things but i am just waiting for the mail to come and a it is a package with his handwriting on it, the handwriting I adore, and for it to contain all the things I loaned him an gave him because I thought they would be "ours" one day. Why else would I think that if he had not told me that. And I thought I was getting over it.

The hardest thing to do is wait and know that God is working things out for my good. I know God but sometimes I feel so frustrated. I have tried on several occasions to start romantic relationships with people. I wait for the phone to ring or for someone to call. I wait for an e-mail. I wait..and wait..and wait. My only comfort is "those who wait on the Lord will soar with wings like eagles, they will walk and not grow faint , they will run and not grow weary. I am weary right now and I am faint but still I am waiting. God, I am waiting. I want to be so faithful. I want the real deal and I want to be the real deal. So, my Father, I am waiting. So, imperfectly but I am here. Teach me what you are going to teach me and don't hold anything back. Give me all you got cause I want it. If it make me stronger for you and draws me closer to than I want it.

So here goes nothing....

2005-02-17T09:45:00.000-08:00

This is my first blog entry and hopeful it will not be my last. I have a tendancy to be really faithful at writing and then dwindle off.

Anywho...I got the new Watermark cd a couple days ago and it is amazing. It has really made me hungry to be in another band. I miss singing. That is where I get all my energy. When I hear music build I almost pee my pants. Sometimes when I am in the car I almost feel like I need to pull the cover(haha that is a combo. of car and over) and just jam out for awhile. Whoever said music does not influence was so WRONG!!!! Yeah.. I said it, WRONG!!!!